How to help an ex-believer through their anger phase
My opinionated tips that may help you with a former member of the faith
Full disclosure: the following presented is merely an opinion based on my own experience and people I’ve talked to.
I’m mainly writing this to people who are wondering how they can help former believers find peace. It took me a couple of years myself to go from non believing, to anger at the church, and then finding peace. I hope it doesn’t take that long for everyone and I realize it may even be longer for others. If you find your family members or friends leaving, I hope this piece will help you help them.
First: It is not your fault.
The first thing you need to know is that it isn’t your fault. Whether you’re a parent or a sibling or a friend, this isn’t on you. They aren’t angry at the church because you didn’t invite them to go to the ward Christmas party. They aren’t angry at the church because you didn’t hold enough scripture study sessions as a family or enough family home evenings. They aren’t angry at the church for something that you did.
The church has a longstanding culture that members need to be like Jesus, leave the 99 and look for the one that’s straying from the path. This comes from conference talks, leadership and missionary trainings, ward council meetings, invitations from local church leadership, ministering assignments. The list goes on and on.
This teaching leads relatives and friends to blame themselves. For example: one by one as my siblings left, my parents asked me these questions a few times. What did we do wrong? What more could we have done?
I told them they did everything they were asked to do by their leaders. It isn’t their fault. Adults have the ability to reason and research for themselves, and there’s no use blaming yourself for someone leaving the faith.
Second: Do not defend the church
People who are going through a faith crisis need support, understanding, and compassion.
They don’t need a defender of the faith rising to the occasion.
When family and friends open up to you, the first thing you may feel like doing is bearing your testimony or defending the church’s stance on issues.
Put yourself in their shoes. How would you feel, discovering some issue with the church as an institution, or a contradictory belief? Would someone bearing testimony help you? Would you discard what you had found?
People want to be heard. Ask them where they went to research the issue. You might be surprised at what they tell you.
I think I’ve mentioned this before in one of my previous substack articles, but the first time I heard that one of my siblings stopped believing, these were some of the thoughts that went through my mind when first experiencing this were some of the following:
How could they abandon the faith? What could be so important that they would be willing to give up their eternal family life with me? Why would they throw away their promised glory for a mess of pottage?
Those thoughts didn’t last long for me. I chose to abandon them and give my sibling a hug, to tell them I’m there for them, that no matter what happens blood always comes before beliefs.
Third: the truth claims are the issue.
There are numerous issues that come up once people take an eye of scrutiny to the truth claims of the church. Likely, you’ve had a few eye brow raisers yourself. Moments that might be quick and fleeting as your river of faith washed them away, but they are still there.
One of the core tenets of the Mormon faith is agency, or the ability to choose. Given the evidence that people with faith crises find, the choice some make when disbelief enters is to leave.
On the other hand, those who stay while in disbelief are called wolf in sheep’s clothing, Korihor, liar, coward, etc.
Labeling non believing family and friends does not convince them that the church is true.
The church wants to be known as an institution that is loving to all people regardless of religious beliefs. The same should apply to former members. Let them work it out for themselves, support them along the way. Recognize that something they found out, whatever that might be, crossed a red line for them, which they see no path back from. That may change in the future, but that’s up to them and their belief.
In conclusion, it isn’t your fault that former believers are angry. Former believers want to be heard, shown compassion, understanding. They do not want to be met with brazen defense of the faith. Finally, the number one issue causes disbelief is truth claims.